Why Do I Feel Guilty?
© shāna, Oops, 2003
A vital aspect of being an artist living with physical challenges is pacing. I need to pace myself really well with all I do. Creating, resting, working, resting, eating, resting, socializing, resting. Of course, I have been trying to juggle this for years now. The consequences of not honoring what my body needs are too great. Trust me I have crossed that line too many times and suffered much as a result. It’s just how life ‘round here is. We all have our tasks to reconcile with in this life. So, if this is the case & I know this, why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel the need to justify the how’s & why’s of what I can and cannot do? Who the heck am I doing this for anyway?
Michael Nobbs, on his blog, Sustainably Creative states, “I’ve learnt that little and often gets things accomplished. Even little and infrequently can build up a body of work.”
He talks about being kind to ourselves if we’re low on energy but still want to get stuff done. Ah, deep breath. Accepting and rather matter of fact. I think the guilt may be some inner tyrant whose goal is to keep me bound. I long to be unburdened. Unapologetic. I’ll continue to shoot my way through this.
Acceptance & Magic
© shāna, Newborn’s Foot, 2007
Today my body and my spirit were out of sync. These days just happen where I cannot seem to do a thing. Where the density and the malaise just take over. I used to protest vehemently but today I just let it be. Progress. Not that I liked it, mind you. I tried to remind myself that even though I do not feel well and am unable to be productive, inspiration is still stirring in the background.
I ended the day by going to a book signing with Judy Collins for her new children’s book, Over The Rainbow. I didn’t know much about her aside from the couple of songs that most of us know from childhood. She sang, we all sang. The book is gorgeous. It penetrated my heart and I left feeling transformed. Magical.
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© 2010
Sustainability & Disclosure
© shāna, Moon Walk, 2004
So, I’ve been thinking alot lately about how to sustain a creative life while living with chronic illness as well as do I share that plight publicly? Mostly I have been hesitant to do so. Perhaps for fear of being put in some sort of box; of giving you, the reader, a particular imposed framework of just how to view me. Or not wanting to be so associated with the term “chronic illness”.
As Groucho Marx said, “I wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.” I have all sorts of conflicting feelings around this. But in truth, although this does not define me and is only an aspect of the whole, it does inform most of my work as an artist and many of my daily decisions. So when I think of other people struggling with health challenges that may limit them perhaps writing about it can be of help to them as well. Because in spite of it all I scratch and claw my way through the madness.
Are you here for you?
© shāna, Untitled, 2009
Am I here for me? The question alone gives rise to both comfort and sadness. It certainly helps to bring one back to their center. Lately, I have been consumed by website & blog design and editing of images all while trying to manage my health, my body’s needs. Which actually allots me about only an hour or so daily if I’m lucky. In the process I seem to lose connection to my art. To me. It’s like being taken over by a persistent & unrelenting other. Meditation & good sleep have been usurped. How do I meditate through it all? I asked someone tonight, hoping for some new suggestion. Turns out there’s no magic answer. However, self-portraiture brings me back. Self-portraiture is a salve that coats the disparate parts.
2010 Long Island Biennial
© shāna, Fullmoon, 2006
I am pleased to announce that a piece of my work was selected for the juried exhibition – 2010 Long Island Biennial at The Heckscher Museum of Art. July 31 – September 26, 2010. The opening reception is Saturday, July 31 from 5:30 to 7:30 p.m. 2 Prime Avenue, Huntington, NY.
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© 2010
Met my goal!
© shāna, Yoga Ball, 2009
First day of the new year and I am filled with wonderment & a healthy dose of personal pride. I actually met my goal of launching my site in 2009! And believe me, with all the challenges of late this was no small feat. Yes, there is much more to be done however, for right now I will just appreciate that I am well on my way. Go 2010…
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© 2009
Finally, it’s happening!
© shāna, Self-Portrait, 2006
It’s been long in the making and although not complete I am happy that my work & ramblings will have a virtual place to call home!
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631+385+7865
© 2009